Jokes

[paradis_pal]

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a
scotch and soda."

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

[Alan Chan]

lol, nice jokes and thx for sharing it.

I especially like the "how old is your father" one and the "dinner choices' one

[mcculleyandJen]

Really GOOD jokes, im LMAO!!!!:D

[rohitsharman]

thanx for sharin' buddy..

[Darth Andy]

My turn...

Q: How many software developers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sorry dude, that's a hardware problem.

A man walks into a bar with a haddock under his arm and asks "Do you sell fish cakes?".
"Sorry but no", comes the reply.
"That's a shame", says he, "It's his birthday".

[adwin]

Old joke but funny (and about the only clean one i know !)


A guy walks in to a bar, grabs a stool and orders a drink. He takes a few sips when suddenly he hears a small voice say "thats a nice shirt", he looks round but theres nobody sitting by him, so he thinks nothing of it and starts drinking again, a few minutes later he hears "oh what a great tie" again he turns but again there's no one about, the barman sees him looking about and asks "problem sir ?" the guy tells the barman he keeps hearing a voice, the barman smiles and says "don't worry mate its just the complimentary nuts" :rolleyes:

[py2o|\|oI|)]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is
perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Darth Andy]

How do I change a lightbulb?

[perasite]

You forgot the 6 that complain about the cost of changing a light bulb and want it done for free for them. And the 4 that tell the complainers "If you don't like the cost, then live in the dark."

[Mark Crouch]

...and the 287 that wait until the lightbulb has been changed and then ask when the next lightbulb will be fitted :D

[rohitsharman]

You Lightbulb guys are amazing, one gotta look at the extent of your imagination, hats off to u, buddies. Love to b a part of this community.

Adieu..

[py2o|\|oI|)]

...and then 1 weirdo (me) will post about what happed to the lightbulb when he got the mad idea of shocking the lightbulb with a taser gun before fitting it... hehe, I looks freakin cool guys, the electricity runs up and down between the wires and you can see little flames on each side!! :D

[py2o|\|oI|)]

You Lightbulb guys are amazing, one gotta look at the extent of your imagination, hats off to u, buddies. Love to b a part of this community.

Adieu..

Hehe, I love my imagination and it loves me.. mix that with my signature (see below) and you'll be well on your way to a very interesting and fun filled life!! ;)

It's an honour for me to also be part of this community!! :D

[py2o|\|oI|)]

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

[rohitsharman]

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

Good one, mate.
I think, i already have some of these symptoms in me..

[py2o|\|oI|)]

Good one, mate.
I think, i already have some of these symptoms in me..

Then there's a good chance that you also have the following symptoms...

You can't sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends", but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

In computer shops, you eavesdrop on a salesman talking with customers, butt in to correct him and spend 20 minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesman stands by silently, nodding his head.

You back up your data every day.

On holiday, you read a computer manual and turn the pages faster than those who read John Grisham novels.

You go to trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you can't give someone directions to your house without looking up street names.

You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

You understand all these jokes.

If so, technology has taken over your life. We suggest you go lie under a tree and write a book.... and don't use a laptop!!


….I myself have a few of the above mentioned symptoms and it’s nothing to cause feelings of unworthiness, in fact I’m actually damn proud of it because that is what sets us apart from the human race, we’re part a breed with unique minds that surpasses those of normal beings and that makes our way of living much more advanced…. The end. :cool:

[perasite]

In computer shops, you eavesdrop on a salesman talking with customers, butt in to correct him and spend 20 minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesman stands by silently, nodding his head.I do that at Best Buy all the time. They should higher smarter people!

[rohitsharman]

Then there's a good chance that you also have the following symptoms...

You back up your data every day.

You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.



ha ha ha, i liked the 2nd one, and i do take a backup everyday.

[paradis_pal]

My girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home :eek:

[py2o|\|oI|)]

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog


Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.


You have flint and stone?


Ugh


You hit them together?


Ugh


What happen?


Fire not work.



Make spark?


No spark, no fire, me confused.


Fire work yesterday. :(


You change rock?


I change nothing


You sure?


Me make one change.


Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire. :confused:


*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave* :mad:


*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM* :eek:

[adavis99]

I do that at Best Buy all the time. They should higher smarter people!


Totally, They really need to "HIGHER" smarter people...LOL

[adwin]

10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

[rohitsharman]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drank, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

- Jack Handy




When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

- Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.




24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence ? I think not.

- Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.




When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.

- Brian O'Rourke




Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

- Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.




Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

- Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

[rohitsharman]

10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer

6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.


i liked this one :D

[py2o|\|oI|)]

10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer

9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

Cheese dip anyone?



Drink, drink, drink...

Don't drink but love this beer joke!!



MS Boot Camp...

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

[py2o|\|oI|)]

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip-club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
bullets.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
your mouth shut.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at one man.

Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
closely.

If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilisation.

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organisations - even though the job will
require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain
death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - specially if any
of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth
birthday.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
in nuclear fission at age 22.

The more a man and a woman seem to hate each other, the more likely
they will fall in love.

[perasite]

Totally, They really need to "HIGHER" smarter people...LOL

I'm going to blame that on spell check! Not really... I screwed up, oh well. They should "HIRE" smarter people, and I should double check my spelling!

[rohitsharman]

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip-club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
bullets.

If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
your mouth shut.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
wisecracks are your best weapons.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at one man.

Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
closely.

If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilisation.

Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organisations - even though the job will
require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain
death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - specially if any
of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth
birthday.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
in nuclear fission at age 22.

The more a man and a woman seem to hate each other, the more likely
they will fall in love.


One of the best ones, i have ever read. Great work, partner..
Adieu.

[rohitsharman]

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

.................................................. ......................

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.

.................................................. ......................


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

.................................................. ......................


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

.................................................. ......................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

.................................................. ......................


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.................................................. ......................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

.................................................. ......................


One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

.................................................. ......................


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

.................................................. ......................


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

.................................................. ......................


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.

.................................................. ......................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

.................................................. ......................


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.

.................................................. ......................


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep

.................................................. ......................


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning

.................................................. ......................


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk

.................................................. ......................


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours

.................................................. ......................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.

.................................................. ......................


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.


.................................................. ......................


A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say........

[rohitsharman]

This is true American nonsense.


1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"


2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.


3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.


4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.


5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.


6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.


7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.


8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.


9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.


10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.


11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.


12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.


13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "**** this!" and walk out triumphantly.


14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)


15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).


16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.


17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.


18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.


19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.


20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.


21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.


22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.


23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.


24. Masturbate.


25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"


26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!


27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.


28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"


29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.


30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.