Default [Q] Google account action required

I've been getting a notification for months now that says "Google account action required." I've tried clicking it, and every time I do my phone reboots. I've installed several factory rom updates since, and every time I do I always wipe my phone, religiously. I contacted Google and they said "boot to safe mode and wipe the cache"...well herp derp, guess what a factory restore does?

Google basically threw their arms in the air and told me they have no idea, then passed me along to LG. LG told me they want to RMA the device...but as you can probably guess, I'm 100% against having no phone for a month while they install a factory rom, exactly like I've done several times.

I've done a little research, and I've never found anything that helps. Most people are running devices from other OEMs and they say unlinking an account from the OEMs app works, and it only happened after updating to 4.4.x. Well guess what? We don't have that sort of app, and it's been happening since 4.2.x, and has happened to me immediately after reinstalling a factory image before I restored any data at all, and after signing in to my Google account. So it's narrowed down to the core android firmware or my account. Since I have thousands of apps, gmail, G+, photos, contacts, etc, etc, etc, wiping my account is NOT an option.

Anyone have any intelligent suggestions, unlike those I got from LG and Google? I'm so tired of my phone rebooting for absolutely no reason!!

Edit:
sorry, i'm retarded...I didn't even list my specs at all lol

AOSP 4.4.2 factory rom
Trinity Kernel for 4.4
xposed (but it happened before xposed even was a thing, I'm just listing it for completeness)
NO mods, additions, add-ons, etc. I'm running a 100% pure factory image, with the exception of xposed...and that runs on top.

Just for the fun of it I just did a nandroid backup, did a FULL wipe (including userdata partition) and reflashed a fresh factory 4.4.2 image, signed into google, rebooted, and 10 minutes later the notification came back. When I clicked it my phone rebooted.