[OFF-TOPIC] Official Off-Topic Thread

Official Off-Topic Thread​

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at s*x than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?" :laugh:

Got the job *****es!

Sent from my GT-N7000 using xda premium

2012 ends

Tomorrow this year ends and there are some haunting qestions for 2013...

... will we get a working Crapsung-Rom without brick-bug?
... will text blindness be cured on XDA?
... will the official language on XDA be changed to F*&5$grmbflx.
... will the hulk finally beat the evil god like he did in Marvel Avengers?
... will we still have an a developer for our beloved Note 1 at the end of the year?
... will the Brewer reach the mark of 1000 thanks or stay at the 9xx?
... will dear chasmodo be Recognized Contributor, Developer and Linguist official?
... will he produce more than 10 Rooms a day?
... will ukicar deliver again his beauties?
... will gugelhupf convert to a fan of Kastelruther Spatzen?
... will the trainman cure his paranoia? I hope not!
... will the Anonymous Alcoholic stay sober?
... will ahalford be a Fan of FC Bayern?
... will eybee make RocketMiowehhh based on Android 5.0?
... will bangsti get a dog?
... will Abhi and toxic ever user a mobile again without killing it?
... will the Lady still be our only victim for molestation?
... will all the not named friends here stay with us?
... will tzb ever stop posting such crap?

whatever happens - I'm looking forward to spent a lot of hours with you my friends and I'm sure we all will have a great 2013!

---------- Post added at 08:52 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:49 AM ----------

@chas: I'll follow you later - we have a cloudy sky here..

Six lessons of life

Lesson 1: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

"Lesson 2"

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

"Lesson 3"

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

"Lesson 4"

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

...A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

"Lesson 5: Power of Charisma"

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep ****, it’s best to keep your mouth shut !