Jokes
- Thread starter paradis_pal
- Start date
10 Reasons You Know You Bought a Bad Computer
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
Drink, Drink, Drink !!!
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drank, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence ? I think not.
- Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.
- Brian O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drank, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence ? I think not.
- Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.
- Brian O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
MS Boot Camp...
Cheese dip anyone?
Don't drink but love this beer joke!!
MS Boot Camp...
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
Cheese dip anyone?
Don't drink but love this beer joke!!
MS Boot Camp...
One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
Things we learn from movies...
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip-club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at one man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilisation.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organisations - even though the job will
require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain
death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - specially if any
of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth
birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
in nuclear fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman seem to hate each other, the more likely
they will fall in love.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip-club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to
bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
men firing at one man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more
closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilisation.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
international terrorist organisations - even though the job will
require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain
death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - specially if any
of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth
birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
in nuclear fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman seem to hate each other, the more likely
they will fall in love.
I'm going to blame that on spell check! Not really... I screwed up, oh well. They should "HIRE" smarter people, and I should double check my spelling!
Re: Things we learn from movies...
One of the best ones, i have ever read. Great work, partner..
Adieu.
One of the best ones, i have ever read. Great work, partner..
Adieu.
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
........................................................................
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
........................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
........................................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
........................................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
........................................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
........................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
........................................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
........................................................................
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
........................................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
........................................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
........................................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
........................................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
........................................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
........................................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
........................................................................
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
........................................................................
Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?
........................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
........................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
........................................................................
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
........................................................................
Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
........................................................................
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
........................................................................
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
........................................................................
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.
........................................................................
The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
........................................................................
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
........................................................................
Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
........................................................................
"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
........................................................................
There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning
........................................................................
"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk
........................................................................
"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
........................................................................
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
........................................................................
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
........................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
30 things to do during an exam you know you are going to fail
This is true American nonsense.
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "**** this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
This is true American nonsense.
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "**** this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Masturbate.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
