I got my replacement and I was able to unlock it. Good luck to everyone else who expects a fix this century. It'd kinda sad that nobody picked up this story. I sent it to XDA, Android Police, and Droid Life. Zero coverage.
Don't hold your breath on a fix. I really feel bad for the people who try to unlock their device a year or two from now or sell their device on Swappa and the sellers/buyers finds out it's not unlockable. OUCH.