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Post a Joke Folks .......

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By PURESKILLZZZ, Senior Member on 13th April 2008, 09:34 AM
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13th April 2008, 02:23 PM |#21  
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.

She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?". Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
 
 
13th April 2008, 02:25 PM |#22  
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A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!".

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
13th April 2008, 02:26 PM |#23  
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Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Jones. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Jones about Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that Ms. Jones taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."
13th April 2008, 02:27 PM |#24  
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Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F**K OFF!", the dog ate him!"
13th April 2008, 02:28 PM |#25  
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It is near the end of the school year and the teacher has already turned in her grades. There is really not much to do. All the kids are restless because they are ready for the summer break. The teacher says, "The first person to correctly answer each question I ask may leave early."

Little Johnny thinks to himself, "Good. I wanna get outta here. I'm smart. I'll answer first."

The teacher asks, "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Susie said "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave."

Johnny was mad that Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I have a dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Mary said "Martin Luther King." The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave."

Johnny was even madder that Mary answered first.

The teacher asked "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth Nancy said "John Kennedy." The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave."

Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher said "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "Bill Clinton. May I go now?"
13th April 2008, 02:29 PM |#26  
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A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.

The guy says, "How old are you?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"

Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid.

The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."
13th April 2008, 02:30 PM |#27  
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Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some.

Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?"

Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says.

Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f**k it?"
13th April 2008, 02:32 PM |#28  
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The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto."

Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.

"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night."

Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - ***splat *** and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a **** first."
13th April 2008, 02:34 PM |#29  
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A 737 Boeing flying over the Caribbean suddenly loses all power and starts plunging to earth. The captain in a flash of brilliance gets on the speaker-and tells everyone to throw the luggage out.

In panic everyone complies. It fails to work and the aircraft continues its downward spiral.

For his next bright idea the captain orders everyone to divest themselves of all their clothing in an effort to reduce the weight.

Alas this too failed and the aircraft passed through the 10000 ft clouds.

In total desperation, the captain decided to order people to jump out in alphabetical order and since they were over the sea they would survive the fall.

Very enthusiastically he turned on the speaker and announced, "All African Americans leave the plane now". No one moved.

He then asked all Blacks to leave. Again there was a negative response from the full plane.

Now in total panic he asked if all Coons would leave the plane which was now down to 5000 ft. No one moved a hair.

Finally a little girl turned to her mother and asked "Mama ain't we one of dem categories?"

Mama glared at the child and replied, "Hush child, today we' us are ******s
13th April 2008, 10:28 PM |#30  
Pet Parrot

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want
for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives
him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a
hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching
and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and
yanking out her colorful feathers.

"Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"
14th April 2008, 04:15 AM |#31  
Application to Date


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage,
and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q. _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK______________________________________________ ______

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN: __________________________________________________ ____

7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
__________________________________________________ _____________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
__________________________________________________ _____________________

12. House of Worship you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head
low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to
call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application
is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is
rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and
carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
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