Post a Joke Folks .......

Pet Parrot

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want
for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives
him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a
hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching
and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and
yanking out her colorful feathers.

"Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"

Application to Date


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage,
and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q. _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ______________________________
If No, EXPLAIN: ______________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? _____________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ______________________
_______________________________________________________________________

12. House of Worship you attend _____________ How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential
(That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is __________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________________
c) A woman's place is in the _______________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is _______________________
( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head
low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ____________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to
call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application
is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is
rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and
carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

Do you still want to date my daughter?:
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the
restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing,
until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down
he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please
use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a
restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a

statue of a naked woman in here and she's only covered
by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look
the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the
top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole
place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went
to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
When I came in here, the place was hopping with music

and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I
went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the
whole place. Now, how about a drink?"

A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron
a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas
but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I
can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well
developed but your head is so small." The man says, "Buy
me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was bought and
the story began.

"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I
was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a
deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for
several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting
for a bird or a fish to come by, so I would have something
to eat. Looking up I saw a mermaid sunning on a nearby
rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a
magical mermaid and could grant me 3 wishes.

"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with
her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of
her tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished
fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no,
it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I
said "Well, how about a little head then?"

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept
of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names
and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".
One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender
is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the
class into two groups, males in one, females in the other,
and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine
or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for
their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred
to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half
the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should
definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

Reasons it's great to be a guy:

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

- Movie nudity is virtually always female.

- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

- When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

- All your orgasms are real.

- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

- Your last name stays put.

- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

- You can write your name in the snow.

- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

- You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

- The remote control is yours and yours alone.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

DO U AGREE?

Subject: FW:Female and Male Prayer (Funny)


Even in a prayer men have a one track mind.

Joyce

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to, "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friend.

And as I pray beside my bed,

I look at the clown you sent me instead.

Amen.



MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store. Amen.

The Winner!

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
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And now, the Honorable Mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
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A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulaweyo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
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A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
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A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent.
Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.
In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"
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Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
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As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
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The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home.
With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
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and A 5-STAR DARWIN AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.