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Post a Joke Folks .......

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By PURESKILLZZZ, Senior Member on 13th April 2008, 09:34 AM
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Here is a thread just for jokes. I am in the right category since its about anything non-phone related. So lets all have fun.

Mrs. Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump
organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it,
filled with water. In the water floated, of all things,
a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could
resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this
(pointing to the bowl)?"

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown
last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions
said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease.

And you know, I haven't had a cold all winter."
13th April 2008, 09:36 AM |#2  
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as
there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said
that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,

''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair
behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth.
I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act.
When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom.
The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair
wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower.
I looked all around the house to find the guy.
I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside.
I pounded them until he finally let go.
When he fell he landed in some bushes and
God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the
refrigerator out the window to finish him off.
After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''

Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,

''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my
apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary
bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side.
I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot
started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed
in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived.
But then that same idiot threw his
refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''

''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper.
Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''
13th April 2008, 09:38 AM |#3  
A missionary in Africa realizes that the one thing he has
never taught the natives is how to speak English, so he
takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a
rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results.

Then he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the
top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual
activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly says,
"Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, he pulls out his
blow-gun and poisoned darts and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he
has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind
to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood
that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
13th April 2008, 09:40 AM |#4  
Subject: Mental hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She
swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's
heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from
the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient,
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The
bad news is, Jim the patient you saved, hung Himself with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Now...
How soon can I go home?"
13th April 2008, 09:46 AM |#5  
Senator's Choice

While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically
hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her
to the elevator. And she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open,
and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the
distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and
other politicians who had worked with her. Everyone is very happy and in
evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they
had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly
game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the
Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
Telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is
time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven
where St.Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state
joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing >the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it,
the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now,
choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have
said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be
better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down,
down to Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the
middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black
bags. And it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The
Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and
there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning... today you voted for us."
13th April 2008, 09:49 AM |#6  
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle) other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
13th April 2008, 09:52 AM |#7  
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man.
"This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or cholesterol ?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago."
13th April 2008, 09:53 AM |#8  
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to
indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without
letting their children in on it. They decided on the
word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her
mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a
letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy
that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother
and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the
typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
13th April 2008, 09:57 AM |#9  
Let's look at a few rather important topics to prove this:

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually
admit they want some change back. The girls get their bill,
out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay
$1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste,
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and
a towel from the Holiday Inn.; The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.No man will
be able to identify most of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change
and she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of short people living in the house.

Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's
no use in two people remembering the same thing,
is there?
13th April 2008, 09:59 AM |#10  
tjkhattak61's Avatar
Senior Member
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Thanks Meter: 45
The last one is the best one man. Heres one from me:

Hung Chow calls into work and says
"Hey Boss, I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, tummy ache and sore leg. I not come work".
The Boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and ask her for Sex. That makes everything
better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls his Boss and says "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
13th April 2008, 10:01 AM |#11  
tjkhattak61's Avatar
Senior Member
Flag Islamabad
Thanks Meter: 45
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, to".
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