You are a superstar my friend.Greetings!
It looks like the device_provisioned flag was tripped to 0. When this flag is tripped, it goes into a "kiosk" sort of mode... disabling notifications and the quick settings panel. Try resetting it back to 1 to see if that fixes things.
Try entering the following command in an ADB Shell:
settings put global device_provisioned 1
That should do the trick! Also, keep in mind that if the lockscreen was disabled, then it will be re-enabled upon entering the command (if your tablet didn't have the Settings activity for changing lockscreen types, that is).
Thank you all for your help, this saves me from having to unlock the bootloader on this thing again, although apparently everything done here can be done w/o root access I had no idea how to do it.