Long story short, I did the fall creators update and it bsod my machine. It would NOT let me boot from any usb. I ensured usb was the first boot priority, I ensured it was formatted as fat32 and or a GPT partition. I tried a 16gb flash drive, a 32gb flash drive and a 256gb flash drive. No matter what I do, I can not get the surface to boot with any windows ISO or recovery image or files. However, I can boot from linux distro's perfectly fine from the flash drives. I decided to install linux mint completely to the nvme drive and it seems to be working well. However, I need windows back.
To clarify, this is on the new surface 2017 model 1796, not that it matters but it's the core i5 model with 128gb nvme storage and 4gb of ram.
TLDR: Only linux will boot from flash drives, windows PE won't boot, windows won't boot etc. They all just bsod.
If anyone can help me solve this, I will literally PAY you.
Last resort is driving the 6 hour round trip drive to Microsoft. I plan on doing that this Saturday if I can't fix it before then. If you have any ideas / tips / suggestions, please let me know. I've put about 15 hours into this machine with no luck thus far!